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Contents
Funniest Quotes and Sayings
1. “There can be, Only one.”
2. “Origin of dinosarurs.”
3. “WHAT I THINK I LOOK LIKE WHILE FM IS ASLEEP
WHAT I LOOK LIKE”
4. “So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out.”
5. “ARE YOU SURE
THE SPIDER IS GONE?”
6. “DISCOVERED EBAY
SOLD THE CAT.”
7. “When you’re in the shower & you forget your towel
Mamie”
- “When we say we are running errands we’re actually at Target or tj maxx sniffing candles and touching soft blankets.”
- “Whoever said you snooze, you lose. Was mistaken. When I snooze. I win. We all win.”
- “I was born to be -I’m awesomesauce- wild, but only until around 9 pm or so.”
- “Me: treat yo self – $ – bank account: do not treat yourself.”
- “Not all who wander to the kitchen at midnight are lost.”
- “People need to understand the difference between want and need. Like, I want abs, but I need tacos.”
- “Is anyone confident with how they say “Worcestershire sauce”
- “The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.”
- “I’m not one to test that danger… As I sit here with yet another cup and I feel no.”
- “And she gave no fucks. Not even one. And she lived happily ever after. The end.”
- “I had a lot of stuff to do today. Now I have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow.”
- “I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, got lost on the way back, and now I have no idea what’s going on.”
- “Bold Tuesday going on a trip. Need about 5 outfits. I’ve packed 35 just to be safe.”
- “When in doubt vacation.”
- “Club only my book reads wine labels.”
- “I’m in the mood to receive a check for six hundred thousand dollars.”
- “Not yet not yet not yet not yet eat me now too late -avocados”
- “Monday tuesday wednesday thursday blink Monday.”
- “Used to be a bastard@facebook.com was stupid. be in retrospect, that was stupid. ~The working title of my memoir.”
- “Out the way world. I’ve got my sassy pants on today.”
- “On hgtv they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past 2 weeks.”
Funny Quotes and Images
8. “When you finally finish your homework at 3 am”
9. “FAKE THROW THE BALL AGAIN
WE’LL SEE WHO’S RUNNING.”
10. “Good Morning
Shut Up I’m SHUT Still, King
Be crazy. Be stupid.
Be silly. Be weird. Be whatever. Because life is too short to be anything but Happy.
Happy Thursday.”
11. “Aww, you’re not bad luck…
…don’t listen to them!”
12. “No! You may not take my stuffed animal!
Good day, sir.
I SAID GOOD DAY!”
13. “HUMANOS.
ANIMALES!”
14. “THAT MOMENT YOU FIND OUT
THE TITANIC SANK WITH 10,000 BOTTLES OF WINE ON BOARD.”
15. “DO YOU EVER LOOK AT STUFF AND WONDER HOW IT GOT THERE?”
16. “I’m not single. I’m dating myself.
I take myself out to eat.
I buy myself clothes.
I love me. I’m awesome.”
17. “When people say I’m always posting about Jesus.
YOU’RE WELCOME.”
18. “WHO WOULD WATCH
JAWS…
JAWS LIKE THIS?”
19. “WHEN YOU SAY HI AT CHURCH AND DON’T GET A REPLY…
ALRIGHTY THEN.”
20. “A best friend is someone who when you show up at their door with a dead body says nothing, grabs a shovel and follows you.”
21. “Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should win the lotto, quit my job, and be sitting on a beach drinking beer.”
22. “when I’m mad at someone
but then they ask if I’m hungry.”
23. “THAT MOMENT YOU REALIZE IF YOU TURN YOUR HEAD
YOU’RE A DEAD MAN”
24. “Sometimes I look at my friends and think to myself, “Where did I meet this crazy person?” But then I think…
“what would I do without them.”
25. “It sure is strange
that after
Tuesday
the rest of the week spells WTF.”
26. “I SAY WHAT THE FUCK NEEDS TO BE SAID
NOT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR
The Internet Scavengers.”
27. “ADMIT IT, YOU SOMETIMES LISTEN TO STRANGER’S CONVERSATIONS
AND THINK TO YOURSELF, “YOU ARE A STUPID MOTHERF**KER.”
28. “DIDN’T CARE YESTERDAY,
DON’T GIVE A SHIT TODAY, PROBABLY WON’T GIVE A FUCK TOMORROW.”
29. “TWO RULES OF BUSINESS
1. MIND YOUR OWN 2. STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MINE”
30. “Dirty memes.”
31. “IF YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN BEING KIND & BEING RIGHT, CHOOSE BEING KIND & YOU WILL ALWAYS BE RIGHT.”
32. “I HAVE TO STOP SAYING “HOW STUPID CAN YOU BE?”.
SOME PEOPLE ARE STARTING TO TAKE IT AS A CHALLENGE.”
33. “Funny Dog memes”
34. “THINK POSITIVE
Example: 1 fell down the stairs today and thought: “Wow! I sure fell down those stairs fast.”
35. “Beautiful woman.
She can deal with stress and carry heavy burdens. she smiles when she feels like screaming, and she sings when she feels like crying. She cries when she’s happy and laughs when she’s afraid. Her love is unconditional.
There’s only one thing wrong with her. She forgets what she’s worth! send this to every beautiful woman you know. Remind her that she’s unique.”
She smiles when she feels like screaming, and she sings when she feels like crying. She cries when she’s happy, laughs when she’s afraid, and her love is unconditional.
Funny Quotes and Messages
1. “The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.” —Doug Larson
2. “Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
3. “We use our brains. Imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other 60%.” —Ellen DeGeneres
4. “My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.” —Billy Connolly
5. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they are.” —Will Ferrell
6. “Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
7. “Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
8. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
9. “There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” —Jerry Seinfeld
10. “There are two classes of travel—first class and with children.”—Robert Benchley
11. “The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.” —G.K. Chesterton
12. “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” —George Carlin
13. “According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” —Jerry Seinfeld
14. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” —Albert Einstein
15. “The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.” —James Branch Cabell
16. “If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.” —Phil Pastoret
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Funny Pictures and Images
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