Top 31 Hilarious funny quotes you won’t stop laughing at “I trust you – you never think these words, if you are my best friends.”
Hilarious Funny Quotes You Won’t Stop Laughing At “My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher. ― Socrates Best Funny quotes and sayings “The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone else he can blame it on. ― Robert Bloch. A list of senseless quotations that are dumb and extremely amusing. Even the most naive person can say something really funny. Dear Math, please grow up.
#1. “Accidentally punched me in the face while trying to pull my blanket up & if that doesn’t accurately describe my life I don’t know what does.”
#2. “Things I have in common with victoria’s secret models: 1. Being hungry.”
#3. “Based on how I react when toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.”
#4. “Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like I don’t know how to hold a pencil”
#5. “When I ask for directions please don’t use words like east.”
#6. “Sometimes the thoughts in my head get so bored they go out for a stroll through my mouth. This is rarely a good thing. Scott westerfield”
#7. “You say hospitalization for a nervous breakdown. I hear quiet vacation with awesome drugs.”
#8. “In my next life I am coming back with money and looks instead of all this sparkling personality bullshit.”
#9. “Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn’t made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.”
#10. “I have reached an age where my mind says ‘i can do that’ … But my body says ‘try it and die fat girl’”
#11. “I see dead people. Well technically they are stupid people, but give me a few minutes.”
#12. “Me: I need some help around here! Also me: no, not like that…here, I’ll do it.”
#13. “How to be a grown up at work: replace fuck you with ok, great.”
#14. “Some days I have my shit together… Some days I spit toothpaste in my own hair.”
#15. “One way to find out if you are old is to fall down in front of a lot of people. If they laugh, you’re still young. If they panic and start running to you, you’re old.”
Hilarious Funny Quotes
#16. “I hate when I think I’m buying organic vegetables and when I get home I discover they’re just regular donuts”
#17. “Apparently spite is not an appropriate answer to what motivates you?”
#18. “I do not have the emotional strength to handle the sound of a person chewing loudly.”
#19. “Funny how drinking 8 cups of water a day seems like it’s impossible but 8 beers and 6 shots in 3 hours go down like a fat kid on a see-saw…”
#20. “My housekeeping style is best described as there appears to have been a struggle”
#21. “Somebody left a grocery list in this cart that said… Cheese and shit like that. So my soulmate is out there.”
#22. “You know you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses”
#23. “You’re riding a horse full speed, there’s a giraffe next to you, and a lion chasing you. What do you do? Get your drunk ass off the carousel.”
#24. “I don’t remember what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I’m sure it wasn’t a debt ridden, people hating, dog loving, sarcastic bitch with an alcohol problem.”
#25. “Mozart wrote his first symphony at the age of 8. I’m an adult and just rehearsed what I’m going to say at the drive-thru 5 times.”
#26. “The chill pill I took this morning appears to have been a placebo.”
#27. “Dear life: whatever, motherfucker. Whatever.”
#28. “It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.”
#29. “Too old for snapchat, too young for life alert.”
#30. “I talk an awful lot of smack for someone who tips over when putting on their underwear.”
#31. “Apparently spite is not an appropriate answer to what motivates you?”
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