Funny Quotes to Make You Laugh Out Loud – Need a good laugh? Check out these 70 funny quotes to help you get through today. These funny quotes will seriously make you laugh out loud!
“The man who
says his wife can’t
take a joke,
forgets that she
took him.”
OSCAR WILDE
“I like long walks,
especially when
they are taken by
people who annoy
me.”
NOEL COWARD
“I’m sick of following
my dreams, man. I’m
just going to ask wher
they’re going and hool
up with’em later.”
-MITCH HEDBERG
“I’d like to live like a poor man – only
with lots of money.”
– Pablo Picasso
If you can’t be
kind, at least be
vague.
JUDITH MARTIN
“I never forget a
face, but in your
case, I’ll be glad to
make an exception.
-GROUCHO MARX
Funny Quotes that are short and easy to remember! Cool Quotes “The challenge is to stay cool enough to handle the pressure at the moment so that you can succeed in the future.”
These are the Most Hilarious Short Quotes You’ll Ever Read – Hilarious short quotes certainly do the trick; they are short, sweet, and rather amusing, and are likely to tickle your funny bone.
Amusing Funny Quotes
Short Funny Quotes That Pack a Punch of Laughter Looking for a quick laugh at the end of a stressful day? A few short but funny quotes will definitely tickle your funny bone and beat away your saddest.
1. “Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.”
2. “Being asked “Why are you depressed? Life is beautiful!” is like saying “Why do you have asthma? There is so much air!”
3. “Askhole: A person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them.”
4. “Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary however, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it’s likely tequilya”
5. “If you’re happy and you know it… it’s your med’s”
6. “When life shuts a door … open it again. It’s a door. That’s how they work.”
7. “I before E except when your foreign neighbor keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters. Weird.”
8. “A friend will be there with tissues… But a best friend will be there with a baseball bat shouting “Who hurt you and do I need a shovel?”
9. “Some say you can’t live without love. I think that oxygen is slightly more important.”
10. “I’m not everyone’s cup of tea but I drink coffee so fuck ‘em”
Funny Quotes
11. “What (and I can’t stress this enough the fuck.”
12. “As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought dogs are easily amused. Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.”
13. “Remember, as far as everyone knows we are a nice, normal family”
14. “Being both soft and strong is a combination very few have mastered.”
15. “My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said: “No, we all seem to enjoy it.”
16. “If you could read my mind, you’d be either traumatized or turned on. Both of you’re awesome.”
17. “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She hugged me.”
18. “Mirrors don’t lie and lucky for you they don’t laugh”
19. “My dream job would be a karma delivery service.”
20. “If I was a plastic surgeon… I would 100% put a squeaky toy in every breast implant.”
Funny Quotes And Sayings
21. “I’m so broke, I can’t even pay attention.”
22. “That moment you flex your foot wrong and it cramps you think ‘This is it. This is how it ends’”
23. “I’m at that delusional age where I think everyone my age looks way older than I do.”
24. “The officer said, “You’re staggering” I said, “You’re quite handsome yourself” we just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.”
25. “Dear life, could you at least start using lubricant?”
26. “Who the fuck took me… Oh, here it is…”
27. “Waiter: How do you like your steak cooked? Me: Like winning an argument with my girlfriend. Waiter: Rare it is.”
28. “Mr. Rogers did not adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.”
29. “Sometime you meet such a prince that you’d rather marry the horse.”
30. “The path of inner peace begins with your words not my fucking problem”
Amusing Funny Sayings
31. “I almost gave a
fuck scared the shit out
myself..”
32. “I need to get
in shape. If I were
murdered right now, my chalk
outline would be a circle.”
33. “Coffee is a gift
to myself. It says, “Here’s
something to make your day
a little better. Please don’t
get arrested.”
34. “My mind is like
my internet browser 19 tabs
open 3 of them are
frozen & I have no
idea where the music is
coming from”
35. “Brain: Do you have
your wallet? Me: slaps my
ass so hard everyone in
the target can hear it
Me: Yeah Brain: Do you
have your wallet and your
phone and your keys and
your pocket knife and y-
Me: playing my ass and
thighs like a bongo set
at this point”
36. “The world is not
full of assholes, but they
are strategically placed so that
you’ll come across one every
day. Every. Fucking. Day.”
37. “Dear Santa this year
please give me a big
fat bank account and a
slim body please don’t mix
those two up like you
did last year thanks”
38. “Me: I don’t wanna
go to work Bills: bitch
better have my money”
39. “With great responsibility comes
great need to take a
nap.”
40. “different language pls check
it”
Best Funny Quotes
41. “I didnt fall for
you, you fucking tripped me”
42. “I have decided to
cut back on being sarcastic.
I solemnly swear to only
be sarcastic on days that
begin with T like… Tuesday,
Thursday, Today, & Tomorrow.”
43. “A guy in the
store on his cell said
“Susan, I’m in my car
on my way” so I
yelled “No he’s not!” because
nobody lies to Susan in
front of me.”
44. “Funny how drinking 8
cups of water a day
seems like it’s impossible but
8 beers and 6 shots
in 3 hours go down
like a fat kid on
a see-saw…”
45. “People need to understand
the difference between want and
need. Like, I want abs,
but I need tacos.”
46. “Common sense is so
rare these days that it
should be considered a superpower”
47. “My talent: Not sleeping
at night.”
48. “Let’s face it –
some people drain the nice
right out of you.”
49. “I know the voices
aren’t real, but man do
they come up with some
great ideas”
50. “I always give 100%
at work: 12% Monday 23%
Tuesday 40% Wednesday 20% Thursday
5% Friday”
Cute Funny Quotes
51. “Some girls dont like
to walk in the rain
because it puts their face
back to factory settings…”
52. “Oh I’m sorry, I
didn’t realize that you’re an
expert on my life and
how I should live it.
Please continue while I take
notes.”
53. “I wanted to go
jogging but proverbs 28:1 says
“The wicked run when no
one is chasing them” so
there’s that.”
54. “I really do try
to see the best in
people. But seriously.. some of
you fuckers are making it
so hard.”
55. “For today * Drink
your coffee * Stay focused
and positive * Don’t freak
out * Remember, stabbing people
is wrong! * Are you
wearing pants?”
56. “…I wish I could
invoice people for wasting my
time”
57. “I shine a laser
pointer in my neighbor’s window
when they’re gone. Their cat
has trashed 3 sets of
mini-blinds chasing it. They have
no idea it’s me. Am
I evil? Yes, I am.”
58. “singing in the shower
is all fun and games
until you get shampoo in
your mouth, then it just
becomes a soap opera.”
59. “Ate salad for dinner!
Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really
just one big, round crouton
covered with tomato sauce. And
cheese. Fine, it was pizza.
I ate a pizza.”
60. “It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult”
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Funny pictures with quotes
Strap yourselves in tight because the best funny pictures of today’s Internet are gonna be quite the ride. This kid in the first hilarious photo knows exactly what I’m talking about. 60 Funny Pictures That Will Make Your Day. So you’ve hit the end of today’s funniest pictures and you’re feeling kinda down? Looking for the best funny quotes pictures, photos & images? FunZumo’s pictures can be used on Facebook, Tumblr, Pinterest, Twitter and other websites.
