60 Funny Quotes Amusing Sayings and Quotations

Funny Quotes to Make You Laugh Out Loud – Need a good laugh? Check out these 60 funny quotes to help you get through today. These funny quotes will seriously make you laugh out loud!

Funny Quotes that are short and easy to remember! Cool Quotes “The challenge is to stay cool enough to handle the pressure at the moment so that you can succeed in the future.”

These are the Most Hilarious Short Quotes You’ll Ever Read – Hilarious short quotes certainly do the trick; they are short, sweet, and rather amusing, and are likely to tickle your funny bone.

Amusing Funny Quotes

Short Funny Quotes That Pack a Punch of Laughter Looking for a quick laugh at the end of a stressful day? A few short but funny quotes will definitely tickle your funny bone and beat away your saddest.

1. “Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.”

2. “Being asked “Why are you depressed? Life is beautiful!” is like saying “Why do you have asthma? There is so much air!”

3. “Askhole: A person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them.”

4. “Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary however, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it’s likely tequilya”

5. “If you’re happy and you know it… it’s your med’s”

6. “When life shuts a door … open it again. It’s a door. That’s how they work.”

7. “I before E except when your foreign neighbor keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters. Weird.”

8. “A friend will be there with tissues… But a best friend will be there with a baseball bat shouting “Who hurt you and do I need a shovel?”

9. “Some say you can’t live without love. I think that oxygen is slightly more important.”

10. “I’m not everyone’s cup of tea but I drink coffee so fuck ‘em”

11. “What (and I can’t stress this enough the fuck.”

12. “As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought dogs are easily amused. Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.”

13. “Remember, as far as everyone knows we are a nice, normal family”

14. “Being both soft and strong is a combination very few have mastered.”

15. “My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said: “No, we all seem to enjoy it.”

16. “If you could read my mind, you’d be either traumatized or turned on. Both of you’re awesome.”

17. “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She hugged me.”

18. “Mirrors don’t lie and lucky for you they don’t laugh”

19. “My dream job would be a karma delivery service.”

20. “If I was a plastic surgeon… I would 100% put a squeaky toy in every breast implant.”

21. “I’m so broke, I can’t even pay attention.”

22. “That moment you flex your foot wrong and it cramps you think ‘This is it. This is how it ends’”

23. “I’m at that delusional age where I think everyone my age looks way older than I do.”

24. “The officer said, “You’re staggering” I said, “You’re quite handsome yourself” we just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.”

25. “Dear life, could you at least start using lubricant?”

26. “Who the fuck took me… Oh, here it is…”

27. “Waiter: How do you like your steak cooked? Me: Like winning an argument with my girlfriend. Waiter: Rare it is.”

28. “Mr. Rogers did not adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.”

29. “Sometime you meet such a prince that you’d rather marry the horse.”

30. “The path of inner peace begins with your words not my fucking problem”

31. “I almost gave a fuck scared the shit out myself..”

32. “I need to get in shape. If I were murdered right now, my chalk outline would be a circle.”

33. “Coffee is a gift to myself. It says, “Here’s something to make your day a little better. Please don’t get arrested.”

34. “My mind is like my internet browser 19 tabs open 3 of them are frozen & I have no idea where the music is coming from”

35. “Brain: Do you have your wallet? Me: slaps my ass so hard everyone in the target can hear it Me: Yeah Brain: Do you have your wallet and your phone and your keys and your pocket knife and y- Me: playing my ass and thighs like a bongo set at this point”

36. “The world is not full of assholes, but they are strategically placed so that you’ll come across one every day. Every. Fucking. Day.”

37. “Dear Santa this year please give me a big fat bank account and a slim body please don’t mix those two up like you did last year thanks”

38. “Me: I don’t wanna go to work Bills: bitch better have my money”

39. “With great responsibility comes great need to take a nap.”

40. “different language pls check it”

41. “I didnt fall for you, you fucking tripped me”

42. “I have decided to cut back on being sarcastic. I solemnly swear to only be sarcastic on days that begin with T like… Tuesday, Thursday, Today, & Tomorrow.”

43. “A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “No he’s not!” because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.”

44. “Funny how drinking 8 cups of water a day seems like it’s impossible but 8 beers and 6 shots in 3 hours go down like a fat kid on a see-saw…”

45. “People need to understand the difference between want and need. Like, I want abs, but I need tacos.”

46. “Common sense is so rare these days that it should be considered a superpower”

47. “My talent: Not sleeping at night.”

48. “Let’s face it – some people drain the nice right out of you.”

49. “I know the voices aren’t real, but man do they come up with some great ideas”

50. “I always give 100% at work: 12% Monday 23% Tuesday 40% Wednesday 20% Thursday 5% Friday”

51. “Some girls dont like to walk in the rain because it puts their face back to factory settings…”

52. “Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that you’re an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take notes.”

53. “I wanted to go jogging but proverbs 28:1 says “The wicked run when no one is chasing them” so there’s that.”

54. “I really do try to see the best in people. But seriously.. some of you fuckers are making it so hard.”

55. “For today * Drink your coffee * Stay focused and positive * Don’t freak out * Remember, stabbing people is wrong! * Are you wearing pants?”

56. “…I wish I could invoice people for wasting my time”

57. “I shine a laser pointer in my neighbor’s window when they’re gone. Their cat has trashed 3 sets of mini-blinds chasing it. They have no idea it’s me. Am I evil? Yes, I am.”

58. “singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.”

59. “Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. Fine, it was pizza. I ate a pizza.”

60. “It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult”

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Funny pictures with quotes

Strap yourselves in tight because the best funny pictures of today’s Internet are gonna be quite the ride. This kid in the first hilarious photo knows exactly what I’m talking about. 60 Funny Pictures That Will Make Your Day. So you’ve hit the end of today’s funniest pictures and you’re feeling kinda down? Looking for the best funny quotes pictures, photos & images? FunZumo’s pictures can be used on Facebook, Tumblr, Pinterest, Twitter and other websites.