Bring laughter to your life with these funny quotes and you can pick one from a list of “Hilarious Quotes to Make You Laugh & Messages.” Send it to them.
These 70 hilarious quotes from comedians, movies, authors, and TV look at the hilarious side of life. Enjoy these funny quotes, laugh, and share with a friend.
- “Never tell an officer you saw the speed limit but not his car.”
- “I’m a real sweetheart… And a real smartass. Package deal.”
- “I meant to behave but there were too many other options.”
- “I love the smell of freshly brewed coffee in the morning. And I love the sound of no one talking to me while I drink it.”
- “My healthcare plan is pretty simple. I’m covered as long as I stay healthy.”
- “If asked “what motivates you” dont say “spite” it’s considered inappropriate.”
- “You can’t live a full life on an empty stomach.”
- “Move over skinny jeans, this is a job for sweatpants.”
- “You’re allowed five emotional minutes in the day, then you gotta be a gangsta.”
- “It’s a leggings & dry shampoo day.”
- “I have a “dry clean only” sweater that is about to learn some harsh truths about living with me.”
Contents
Hilarious Quotes
- “A dream written down with a date becomes a goal. A goal broken down into steps becomes a plan. A plan backed by action becomes reality.”
- “Friday is my second favorite f-word my first is food, definitely the food.”
- “Be the attitude you want to be around. – Tim Detellis”
- “I may not be your cup of tea but I’m your 10th shot of tequila.”
- “The fact that we are all different is the one thing we all have in common. ~Justin Young”
- “You don’t know what you have until it’s gone… For example toilet paper.”
- “Someone who wants the best for you is what’s best for you.”
- “Friend: we don’t use swear words around our kids me: yeah, me neither my kid: bullshit.”
- “1 Am not special I’m just a limited edition.”
- “I like to think money wouldn’t change me: yet when I’m winning monopoly I’m a terrible person.”
- “I am in the process of becoming the best version of myself.”
- “I don’t even believe myself when I say I’ll resel cross be ready in 5 minutes.”
- “If you saw a man drowning and you could other se him or photograph the event what kind of film would you use?”
- “Bold Tuesday “you can’t buy happiness” Okay, explain travel then.”
Humor Funny Quotes
- “Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path.”
- “Need, want. Such a fine line.”
- “I haven’t been this excited about Friday since the last Friday”
- “I hope wherever my hair ties are that they are happy.”
- “It’s Friday. Time to go make stories for Monday.”
- “Procrastination is a good thing. You always have something to do tomorrow, plus you have nothing to do today.”
- “Love you more and more each day except yesterday you were fucking annoying.”
- “I wish Santa would publish his naughty list. What a great way to meet people.”
- “Not to get technical…but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.”
- “*Checks bank account* looks like my get-rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working either.”
- “Always plan for work domination.”
- “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re good at this and I can respect that.”
- “You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..”
Witty Quotes and Sayings
- “Murderer chasing around the house me: “Alexa plays the scooby doo theme song.”
- “I found out that saying ‘there, their little girl’ to a pissed-off grown man only makes things worse.”
- “The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.”
- “I may act like I’m okay but deep down inside I’m hungry again.”
- “Do all things with kindness you fucker.”
- “People are way less judgmental when you say you had an avocado salad” instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.”
- “Love means letting me use half your suitcase.”
- “Please read all my posts in a sarcastic tone. You know. For full effect.”
- “Remove all sugars from your diet to avoid unnecessary calories and any joy you may be feeling.”
- “Establish dominance by putting glitter in Christmas cards.”
- “Ashley Ponticelli sometimes I feel like I got my life together but then my windshield gets foggy and I don’t know what temperature to use to get rid of it.”
- “Fit tip: an easy way to make a salad tastier is to add nuts, fruit, or an entire chipotle burrito.”
- “Let it snow. (As long as I have wi-fi.)”
- “Can we take time to find out what other foods explode into something tasty or are we just stopping at corn?”
Humorous Quotes About Life
- “Everyone has a hidden talent they don’t know about until the tequila is poured.”
- “American family scale I would do anything for love, but I won’t unplug my phone to let you charge your phone until mine is fully charged. No. I won’t do that.”
- “Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance… The 5 stages of waking up.”
- “Is it ok to drink mimosas during meal prep Sunday? …asking for a friend. Tone it up.”
- “Dear Santa, I’m writing to let you know that I’ve been naughty this year… And it was so worth it.”
- “Be naughty, save Santa the trip.”
- “I burn about 2,000 calories every time I try to put on fitted sheets by myself. Women’s health.”
- “My mom didn’t raise no fool. And if she did, it was my brother.”
- “I was going to start my diet today, but as it turns out pizza still exists, so…”
Funny Quotes And Sayings
- “Sixty might be the new forty but 9:00 is the new midnight. Syn-passing pam everything”
- “Dear Santa… Before I explain, how much do you know already?”
- “Bon jour that’s fancy for “hey”
- “We haven’t seen any new bigfoot pictures in a while… I hope he’s ok.”
- “For Halloween, I’m going as the scariest thing ever. Me when I give up chocolate and caffeine.”
- “If someone asks “are you crazy?” Simply reply “yes.” Boom. End of discussion.”
- “If I want something done right, the last thing I would do is do it myself.”
- “Here, hold my morals. I’ve got some sketchy shit to take care of.”
- “Burger b fresh did you say exercise? Or extra fries?”
