70 Hilarious Quotes to Make You Laugh

Bring laughter to your life with these funny quotes and you can pick one from a list of “Hilarious Quotes to Make You Laugh & Messages.” Send it to them.

Hilarious Quotes

These 70 hilarious quotes from comedians, movies, authors, and TV look at the hilarious side of life. Enjoy these funny quotes, laugh, and share with a friend.

  • “Never tell an officer you saw the speed limit but not his car.”
  • “I’m a real sweetheart… And a real smartass. Package deal.”
  • “I meant to behave but there were too many other options.”
  • “I love the smell of freshly brewed coffee in the morning. And I love the sound of no one talking to me while I drink it.”
  • “My healthcare plan is pretty simple. I’m covered as long as I stay healthy.”

Hilarious Quotes to Make You Laugh

  • “If asked “what motivates you” dont say “spite” it’s considered inappropriate.”
  • “You can’t live a full life on an empty stomach.”
  • “Move over skinny jeans, this is a job for sweatpants.”
  • “You’re allowed five emotional minutes in the day, then you gotta be a gangsta.”
  • “It’s a leggings & dry shampoo day.”
  • “I have a “dry clean only” sweater that is about to learn some harsh truths about living with me.”

Hilarious Quotes

  • “A dream written down with a date becomes a goal. A goal broken down into steps becomes a plan. A plan backed by action becomes reality.”
  • “Friday is my second favorite f-word my first is food, definitely the food.”
  • “Be the attitude you want to be around. – Tim Detellis”
  • “I may not be your cup of tea but I’m your 10th shot of tequila.”
  • “The fact that we are all different is the one thing we all have in common. ~Justin Young”

Hilarious Quotes to Make You Laugh

  • “You don’t know what you have until it’s gone… For example toilet paper.”
  • “Someone who wants the best for you is what’s best for you.”
  • “Friend: we don’t use swear words around our kids me: yeah, me neither my kid: bullshit.”
  • “1 Am not special I’m just a limited edition.”
  • “I like to think money wouldn’t change me: yet when I’m winning monopoly I’m a terrible person.”
  • “I am in the process of becoming the best version of myself.”
  • “I don’t even believe myself when I say I’ll resel cross be ready in 5 minutes.”
  • “If you saw a man drowning and you could other se him or photograph the event what kind of film would you use?”
  • “Bold Tuesday “you can’t buy happiness” Okay, explain travel then.”

Humor Funny Quotes

  • “Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path.”
  • “Need, want. Such a fine line.”
  • “I haven’t been this excited about Friday since the last Friday”
  • “I hope wherever my hair ties are that they are happy.”
  • “It’s Friday. Time to go make stories for Monday.”
  • “Procrastination is a good thing. You always have something to do tomorrow, plus you have nothing to do today.”

Hilarious Quotes to Make You Laugh

  • “Love you more and more each day except yesterday you were fucking annoying.”
  • “I wish Santa would publish his naughty list. What a great way to meet people.”
  • “Not to get technical…but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.”
  • “*Checks bank account* looks like my get-rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working either.”
  • “Always plan for work domination.”
  • “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re good at this and I can respect that.”
  • “You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..”

Witty Quotes and Sayings

  • “Murderer chasing around the house me: “Alexa plays the scooby doo theme song.”
  • “I found out that saying ‘there, their little girl’ to a pissed-off grown man only makes things worse.”
  • “The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.”
  • “I may act like I’m okay but deep down inside I’m hungry again.”
  • “Do all things with kindness you fucker.”
  • “People are way less judgmental when you say you had an avocado salad” instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.”
  • “Love means letting me use half your suitcase.”
  • “Please read all my posts in a sarcastic tone. You know. For full effect.”
  • “Remove all sugars from your diet to avoid unnecessary calories and any joy you may be feeling.”
  • “Establish dominance by putting glitter in Christmas cards.”
  • “Ashley Ponticelli sometimes I feel like I got my life together but then my windshield gets foggy and I don’t know what temperature to use to get rid of it.”
  • “Fit tip: an easy way to make a salad tastier is to add nuts, fruit, or an entire chipotle burrito.”
  • “Let it snow. (As long as I have wi-fi.)”
  • “Can we take time to find out what other foods explode into something tasty or are we just stopping at corn?”

Humorous Quotes About Life

  • “Everyone has a hidden talent they don’t know about until the tequila is poured.”
  • “American family scale I would do anything for love, but I won’t unplug my phone to let you charge your phone until mine is fully charged. No. I won’t do that.”
  • “Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance… The 5 stages of waking up.”
  • “Is it ok to drink mimosas during meal prep Sunday? …asking for a friend. Tone it up.”
  • “Dear Santa, I’m writing to let you know that I’ve been naughty this year… And it was so worth it.”

Hilarious Quotes to Make You Laugh

  • “Be naughty, save Santa the trip.”
  • “I burn about 2,000 calories every time I try to put on fitted sheets by myself. Women’s health.”
  • “My mom didn’t raise no fool. And if she did, it was my brother.”
  • “I was going to start my diet today, but as it turns out pizza still exists, so…”

Funny Quotes And Sayings

  • “Sixty might be the new forty but 9:00 is the new midnight. Syn-passing pam everything”
  • “Dear Santa… Before I explain, how much do you know already?”
  • “Bon jour that’s fancy for “hey”
  • “We haven’t seen any new bigfoot pictures in a while… I hope he’s ok.”
  • “For Halloween, I’m going as the scariest thing ever. Me when I give up chocolate and caffeine.”
  • “If someone asks “are you crazy?” Simply reply “yes.” Boom. End of discussion.”
  • “If I want something done right, the last thing I would do is do it myself.”
  • “Here, hold my morals. I’ve got some sketchy shit to take care of.”
  • “Burger b fresh did you say exercise? Or extra fries?”

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